I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
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Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE