[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
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You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
a god among men
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
My boss called in sick of me
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s