[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
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whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.