The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
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I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
accurate
? 💀
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”