My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
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Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
#MeanwhileInCanada
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”