It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
You Might Also Like
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Lmaoo 😂
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.