[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
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If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Never forget.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.