sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
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I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Before crowbars crows drank alone
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.