When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
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People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*