Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
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heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
i did the math
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*