Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
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[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
mmm onion ringos
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Hank is one in a melon.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.