How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
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I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup