[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
You Might Also Like
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.