How do horror writers compete with current events?
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[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner