Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
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I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
San Francisco has too many rules
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Bless you
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
When he asks for feet pics
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward