This is my brand.
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good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.