“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
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Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
fixed it
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Buck naked
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.