These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
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Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day