Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
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aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
The three genders
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Investing in beetcoin
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.