roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
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Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.