coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
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My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
*puts words between two asterisks*