7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
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When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is