ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
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“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Employees must applaud the planets.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too