Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
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Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
#JohnTravolta
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.