Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
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How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Something Saturday.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.