Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
You Might Also Like
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.