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Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place