supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
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Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
A leaf blower, but for people.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.