Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
