“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
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that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
When news reporters do sports stories
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*