i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
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Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
This is Sparta
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.