There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
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*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.