My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
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A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I’m awake but I object,
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time