If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
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My nickname in high school was “who?”
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.