I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
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Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.