Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
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A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
guilty
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.