Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
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My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
how much for the angry fruit?
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.