The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
This is sending me to another galaxy
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
People buying plungers never look happy.