I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac