“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
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Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
12. I think about this all the damn time
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
How much for the goth pool noodles?