All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
You Might Also Like
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Same post same
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L