Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
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What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
LMAO
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!