”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
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ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.