Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.