Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
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[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you