Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
You Might Also Like
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.