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Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Help Wanted
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)