I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
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me adding lol on a serious message
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Tell me you get it…🤣
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.