I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
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You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
You’re the water to my grease fire.
dutch is not a serious language
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?