23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
You Might Also Like
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
This could be us but you eatin’
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”